If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm getting married
To pizza
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
