Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
