This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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