i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
