Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
