only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize