I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
