i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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