my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
you had me at cake vodka
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
