had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize