Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
