Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
