when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
