Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
