I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Randomize
