Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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