Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
