I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
