having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
