I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
