i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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