Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
