I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
one two three fourrrrnication!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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