please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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