MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize