are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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