I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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