By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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