ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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