I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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