I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
