It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
