Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
third nipple confirmed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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