neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
