I wish I could teleport
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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