u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
