Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
