I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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