oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
