FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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