I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
