woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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