Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She even gives head with a lisp.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
