Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
