Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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