i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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