I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
