highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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