i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
