Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
