hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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