just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
