Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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