You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
