her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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