I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
