I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
